| that's what I want to do with my past. everthing.
or do I? What about the good things? Yes even them. I can't seem to be doing any good in my "now" either.
Can't I just disappear? What of death.. Disappearing into thin air is good.
Shall you mock me then, or shall I do it myself aha
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH it's so straightforward yet so complicated -
going to use blogspot soon, so i can "follow" my friends. I want to DELETE my xanga too. Pretend it never happened... but it's been with me for so long, i can't part.. not yet anyway.
What to name my new site thng. That's the trouble. gargh
I want my ipod touch back bad. Tch, shame how dependent we are on devices like that
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| what the heck. :)
deep exhale of breath. no, not a sigh.
Where the heck have I been lost. Not in touch with many of my friends abroad.. haven't written in weeks. I seridiculously don't know how my days pass. I do absolutely NOTHING. I don't even surf the net.
Ma's away. Pa's coming back tomorrow. iTouch & laptop please come soon to mammy
EHEH
& I miss him.
sometines I wonder,.. am I a good friend? I do love and miss them but wth am I doing not staying in touch that much?
GRAAQWWW
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I'll be patiently waiting  .
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| So happy
my heart's going to explode.
So patient
I'm surprised, MAJOR.
So content just with the voice
it's nuts.
So dreamy..
it's making me lose it
What do I say, what do I do.. my thoughts, laughter, e'rething's about -.
GAH
At this point, I know
I've got it BAD.
All round me -- amen
in wonder. 
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| So, there's the memorial thing.. && my friends' b'day party on the 19th.
Gathering at my cousins'. About my granpa's death.
09-09-09. Flippin' hate that day.
I know people who know me or have been in touch lately avec moi, must be like,
"but, you have shown NO sing of.."
BLAH.
What do you want me to do, cry my eyes out? Done that.
Scream and shout and all that jazz? Been there.
My gramps.. handsome ol' military man. Whom I just saw last December. .. I can't believe he's gone...
gahhhh, I can't believe I am actually tearing up whilst doing this. I mean, I guess.. it was bound to happen.. been holding it in for a while now..
I have to.
I am not that crybaby betch, who tears up at every litlle thing. ..
Have to be strong for mommy,
-it was scary seeing her in that state. My macho woman, my idol, my superhuman. .. it's just not a good sight. ..
but then again, I forget she's only human.
my superhuman.
I don't see my relatives.. I don't wanna see anyone who reminds me ...
I don't wanna breakdown in front of them.. I just wanna forget about it. Get lost in him. Forget all crap.
-
The party date was decided way back. Wouldn't my gramps want me to celebrate someone's birth rather than death...
whattheduck.[<-still humourous]
I'm just being a coward here. I just don't wanna face it. He's not gone. SCREW it//
NO.
Mom's gone, dad too.. brothers sisters.. aunts.. uncles.. back to Nepal. I just wanna disappear.. even if just for bit. Let me be.
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